Clubs I've joined :

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All my parents could do for me was to give me an education. It's high time I used their gift wisely.

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I'm going away for awhile. No this is not an emo desparate publicity-stunt - I'm well and truly aware you all must be sick to death of them by this stage. But I felt it right to inform you all. If you want to know more, read on. If not, shake your heads in disgust and walk on by.

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I joined dA on the 9th of August, last year, my birthday. I've been hooked on it ever since. The magnificent art to be found here, the wonderful people behind them and enjoying them with me, the forum for expressing my own works - I loved it all. And of course that's the reason I've decided to retire.

I had a long talk with a good friend today, about school. He's been on dA before me and left his account in early April, and he's been the one to teach me most of what I know about drawing. Usually he's been the one distracting me, lulling me into my hobbies and enjoyments. So I suppose it came as a bit of a shock when he told me that it was time to grow up and worry about the future.

My mum had had this talk with me many times before but it never sank in. This time, surprisingly, it did. And thank God for that.

See ever since I joined here I've been split between work and play, to the point that recently I've had no motivation to do anything work-related. I knew I had a writing problem in being slow but instead of trying to remedy it myself I sat back and let my teachers apply me for special consideration as I doodled away on my tablet day after day. Last week that application came back as denied. It didn't yet sink in how much work I needed to do to pull through without the extra provisions. Now it might just have.

In school these past months I've been kidding myself, and now it's come back to haunt me.

Music has been the kindest - at least I can still play my trumpet, but not nearly as well as the VCE standard, and I lack the technical knowledge the theory part requires.

Lit has been most comfortable with a lovely teacher who doesn't shove in my face the fact that I've only ever handed in 4 of the 14-or-so essays I should have churned out by this stage. But her disappointment shows.

History has been a constant game of hide-and-seek and roulette with the teacher, praying that he doesn't suddenly get the urge to check books and find out I've done virtually nil of the required notes.

And English. English I've had the best teacher ever, the most encouraging and hopeful of me. She's had the heart to give me extra time to finish my assessment so that I'd get even half the score I though I deserved. But yesterday I had another assessment. I wrote half a page in two periods. I would be kidding myself if I blamed it all on my disability and not my preparation, or lack thereof.

Instead I've been dreaming, all this time, that this escape of mine was all that mattered. And even within that escape, I've been pushed into a regular crawl that takes away from my future without being totally enjoyable as well.

I've fallen into a routine of drawing for others in a chore-like fashion when it should be unprovoked and heartfelt. I've turned to drawing fan-art that, although is always of the series I love, I count upon their familiarity rather than my skill to impress. Only with my newest Shula picture did I find true happiness.

Thus I heard my friend's appeal and agreed. I would give up my addiction for the rest of my school life, before it was too late.

It's almost a relief for me as well as a sacrifice, to be able to not worry about splitting time to labour over a friend's next birthday picture or clear out a huge pile of updates when I need to catch up on notes on the October Manifesto and the like. When such dA-related stuff becomes purely enjoyable rather than a drag and a wound to other areas is when I'll finally be whole here.

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I guess I've been facading all this time, pretending to be in control and happy. I guess I was happy to be here, but there's always been a part of me crying on the inside. I never stopped to listen, never thought I could return to the way I was nearly 6 years ago, when I was in Year 7 and cared for nothing except doing my best. Now when it really matters, I've done nothing but lie back and scorn in its face. Time to finally fix that. I hope that after today, returning to a 3-hour-a-day homework regime and continuing with my abstinence from computer games, I'll be able to find what limited success I can still grasp.

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I'm not leaving forever. XD

Just until it's all over. Then I can return and do my artwork fully instead of rushing it and suffering at school in consequence.

I want to thank all of you for making it such a joy here though. To all my friends and watchers, I feel ever grateful. Take care and enjoy yourselves in the meantime!

Auf Wiedersehen.
~ Until we meet again.~

- D.